Part 30: VEGAS, BABE!
Chapter 30 - VEGAS, BABE!
We're about to begin a fascinating journey to discover why is Barret so fucking insane.
Obviously by fascinating I mean boring. I sincerely think this is the boringest part of the game.
But it's worth getting through it because as soon as we do we're off to Gold Saucer, FF7's version of a Mall.
Ah, Corel. Look at how happy these Legos are.
So here's the deal - Shinra wanted to build a Reactor in Corel. Corel's main form of economy and energy was coal. Of course, this didn't suit very well and this fella named Dyne was against it.
In a surprising reversal of roles, Barret is actually being progressist and defending Mako against coal. Notice how he has two arms.
And Scarlet is being Scarlet.
Yes, at some point Barret was a responsible husband. He also doesn't sound so utterly stupid as he is nowadays, but maybe I'm wrong.
Yes Dyne. If we say no they're gonna invade and burn everything.
Oh.
They did it anyway.
The more I think about it, the more Barret sounds like a comic book villain.
Just imagine Barret brooding with a green or blue light coming from behind going all "I will destroy them myself... with the tools they gave me."
You know, I never got the bolding in comic book text. It always seems to me like they're bolding the least interesting or important words in the sentence.
"They think I destroyed a Reactor... then so be it. That's how I will exact my... vengeance."
Oh yes.
Shut up Barret we don't care.
Thank you Yuffie.
Ohh yess.
We're going to the
Just kidding, we're still going to Gold Saucer. Gold Saucer is the craziest looking place in the game.
It's like this massive Theme Park/Mall that resembles a giant tree with mushrooms growing out of their branches.
It's a place where magic happens and it's fun for the whole family.
Ages 8-80.
Gold Saucer also has a damn cheerful music, mind that. It's very good and suits the place perfectly.
I'd pay a lot to visit a place like this.
And I would have to. Because this place is FUCKING EXPENSIVE. You have to pay for everything.
Sadly we don't have money to buy the lifetime pass, but that's not a big deal. We only need the single pass for now.
Gold Saucer has its own currency. You can play minigames (which cost Gil to play) to make GP, then spend GP on stuff, like that Save Point.
Yeah screw you Barret. We're gonna have fun whether you want it or not.
She was trying to help him, how is that harsh
I love the dynamics between the characters. How Aeris acts like she can handle anything.
But seriously, Barret freaking out is just too fucking funny.
With that Barret leaves by jumping into the rainbow-colored hole. I'm sure there's a lot of horrible metaphors we can make out of this, but it's also time to explain how Gold Saucer works.
There are 7 areas in Gold Saucer. We're gonna explore every single one of them.
Basically each area is a Saucer, and when you jump into one of these holes I would imagine that you travel inside one of the branches toward the destination. You can go anywhere from any of the 7 Saucers, so transportation is pretty good.
The first Square we go to is the Event Square. Unfortunately there's nothing happening at the moment. Think of it like a theatre.
Next we go to the Speed Square, where we're stopped yet again by a big Macho.
The great thing about JRPGs is that the plot comes to you.
Of course we can guess who the "boy" is, right? The question is:
What the fuck is wrong with Sephiroth?
First, he walks out of the ocean with Gold tickets. Second, he stops by a Theme Park to ask shirtless dudes about a Black Materia.
We also need to find out what the hell is it with the tattoos.
Ever since I watched Game of Thrones, I imagine this guy speaking like Syrio Forel, boy.
The Speed Square is an On-Rails minigame. It's actually quite fun but it's frustratingly hard, and mostly a game of memorization as the Johnny look-alike here is saying.
Unfortunately we don't have 10 GP. Something that needs to be addressed.
Let's go to the Wonder Square.
Oh, no.
Oooh, no.
Jessie: Sir, we're detecting an anomaly.
Jessie: I don't think I can hold it much longer, sir.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT CLOUD HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID
IT'S HOCUM
God damn it.
This is the only appropriate response for a cat with a crown sitting on a toy Moggle.
HOW CAN LOSING SOMETHING DEAR BE GOOD.
How does it even work anyway? What IS THIS THING?
Wait this doesn't make any sense what the hell
Yes Cloud listen to her.
And with that, he joins the party. Don't ask.
Next Time:
More Squares! Less Enyx! Shit gets real! Yuffie is still the character saying what we think out loud.
